I’ve been getting in my own way really quite drastically on the work I really must do for classes the past few weeks. I have attempted to ease myself along, break the tasks into manageable chunks (new and important skill for me, that), not beat myself up, set aside time, try to identify the things I am spending more time than I meant to on, when I give myself a few minutes (I’m looking at *you*, Plants vs Zombies 2), get into my head to try to figure out where the resistance is coming from and try to address it… I’m all out. My head won’t tell me where it’s coming from, and while the of the rest of it is good, it’s not actually getting my work done. And the work really does need to be done.
In fact, in the past week or so, I’ve received positive feedback from several sources about my performance so far, which has been a huge relief. (It wasn’t just imposter syndrome, though I admit to a share of that. I had some concrete reasons to worry, which I’m not going to go into at the moment, but which were legit, and I wasn’t going to be able to know if they were looking up until around now – about halfway through the semester – and waiting was hard.) I’ve also just found out that my secondary loan has been approved for the year, so in a couple weeks I’m actually going to have the money I need, which is an unbelievable relief. So that’s A: good, and B: all the more reason for me to keep up my academics so that it isn’t all in vain.
So I’m falling back on pure and simple bribery. There are a lot of competing factions in my head, but almost all of them want things – stuff or experiences – that haven’t been possible while I’ve been living on insufficient borrowed funds and not knowing where rent or groceries were going to come from. So, I’m setting up a system of straight-forward, no pretensions bribes. Each manageable task has a monetary value (if both completed and recorded, so I can remember). The sum accrued, payable to myself after my loan has been dispersed, to go to nonessentials. Right now I appear to be divided between new earrings (concomitant with a couple more holes in my ears, but that I can do for myself with supplies I already own) and movies in theaters, usually dismissed as scandalously expensive, with a holdout for more money put into my Google Play account for games without guilt when I want them.
I could write more about this whole bribery process, but…if I finish section 2 of my Clinical Skills paper, that’s $4, and if I can get section 3 done too, that’s another $4. And then I can try to get my reading done and proof the paper, and I’ll be up to a movie ticket in no time. Time’s a-wasting.